A response – my views on plus size dating…

So, folks, there are other posts I meant to write. In fact still intend to write, I’ve the evening of Plus London Two to still write-up (which I so need to get my skates on about….but I’ve felt so meh and without concentration lately!) and I had a trying on session in New Look yesterday which needs to be blogged also.

But the thing that sparked my creative juices was this post by the lovely Becky of said blog. Lately, there have been two subjects which I spend most of my time thinking/worrying about ; one, my complete lack of a fulfilling career/job and two, my complete lack of a romantic life. Now, those that have been eager/semi eager followers of this blog will know the story of my love life. Which can be summarised as thus – lots of crushes that didn’t go anywhere really, including one that took up all of my life mostly for about six or seven years and then the odd date. Really not a lot to write home about at all.

There’s a passage I’m going to quote from Becky’s post, mainly because its one of the sections that made me think, or at least made me want to respond.

” Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m sat here in my ivory, married tower, being all smug, but I’d like to think that one person; fat, thin, tall, short has just as good a chance with anyone they might find attractive regardless of appearance, status, career or race. I for one never limited my choice of perspective lovers because I felt I wasn’t good enough for them, or that they might be “out of my league”. Rejection can be hard to deal with, but regret is a cruel beast too, and personally I’d prefer to suffer momentary rejection than a lifetime of regret. “

So wise she is. I completely and wholeheartedly agree that there shouldnt be any barriers when it comes to love and romance. A person should be taken on purely whether there’s a connection, rather how that person would be viewed upon your arm. I’ve a story for you, folks, that illustrates how I’ve experienced being told that I’m not good enough.

Like I said, I’ve had many crushes. Some that were merely things to stop me being bored at work, others that were simply eye candy but then there’s the final category – blokes I actually sort of get along with, and I could imagine myself being a reasonably good match for them. Now, after a while of blogging and dabbling in the world of Fat Acceptance, I now feel comfortable enough about myself to say whilst I carry a little extra luggage in the weight department, I’m not unattractive and I’ve two brain cells to rub together, so that should make finding that elusive one not an impossible task.

One of my many crushes was…oh flipsticks dare I be bold enough to actually just say it how it is, when I’m likely to cop some flack for it? Oh, sod it, I shall. One of my crushes has been/was/is (I’m unsure to whether it’s still burning strong) one of my brother in law’s friends. In fact one of his best friends. Why is it that I’m always so embarrassed about who I fancy? Well, I figure it’s because I’m always made to feel like I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dame or the Phantom of the Opera, hideously disfigured and fancying the pure and beautiful object of lust that is my current choice.

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this particular story way back when this blog had no clothes pictures and was me just rambling, but one night I went out and when I came home from said evening, I *may* have sent a gushy drunken facebook message about how lovely it was to see said crush. To the person in question.

But what happened next was the bit that both hurt and made me incredibly angry. Rather than when he next saw me, take the time to be honest with me which whilst would have been awkward, I’d have appreciated, he just relayed it back. Which when you have to listen to your sister go on and on about how you’re pitching out of your league, and all his other girlfriends have been so much prettier than you, well it makes you wish you had one of those weighty hardbacks to hand to hit yourself over the head with.

All my life I’ve had to put up with every person bar one or two tell me how I aim for guys that are out of my league, unsuitable, that I’m so picky. But lately I’ve been questioning that. Having dipped my toe into internet dating, I chose to ignore all instincts and opt for guys that were below what I’d usually go for. In other words, not really a match at all. And what did I end up with? A date that was so boring that it made me yet again wish I had a heavy novel to hand. But even then I didn’t trust myself, and forced myself to give it a go a second time around.

But since then I’ve been mulling things over, and you know what? I don’t think any of the guys I’ve ever fancied have been out of my league. It’s not like I go for a six packed Adonis. And that friend of my brother in law’s? Well, I’ve actually met one of his exes, and well, other than not being a size that a medical  professional would deem as obese, there was nothing about her that (going to sound incredibly big-headed) I couldn’t match if not beat.

In fact, if anything, I think I’ve always pitched low in terms of guys. I know that because I’m bigger, that’s always going to be more of a specialised taste but I’ve always counted on the friend factor. I can’t chat guys up in bars, and online dating never works that well because its hard to convey my personality entirely….I’m a slow burn sort of girl, I think. So I always find myself picking those to like from circles around me, be it friends of friends or work. Yet this method has thus far given no decent results.

The other part of that quote that struck a chord with me is the idea that rejection is always better than regret. And I have to say I completely, utterly, truly agree. I’ve so much regret over protecting my heart rather than enduring the rejection. I now know that the one big crush (I’d say love, because for me I felt that way, but I’d appear like a loon) of my life was nine-tenths me getting carried away by encouragement from all corners. There’s nothing like ‘oh, I think he likes you’ coming from your friends to make you think something is more than it is. But I was so concerned with not damaging the friendship that I just didn’t go there. Ever. And now, well we’re not friends and I’ve also no clue if he ever felt anything more than friendship. So instead of rejection, I get the regret which makes me doubt and second guess what I know and believe about myself in regards to being attractive to the opposite sex.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this post. I get told ‘he’s out of your league’ anytime I fancy someone, and as I’ve never had anyone actually fancy me (at least not as far as I know), I can’t do anything else other than believe them. Especially when it comes so vocally spoken by your sister, or subtly uttered in the things your friends do not say.

This is my biggest fear. That they’re right, and I should aim lower or accept a life of spinsterhood. Another thing my sister said (and I want to stress she is a lovely person whom says a lot of really lovely things, just she’s a particular viewpoint on this topic) was that she thought that I’d never get married or have kids. Hell, she couldn’t even see me managing to get with anyone given how independent and fixated on a certain sort of love I am. And she is right in that I find it difficult to match what I want with what I seem to be able to get. I don’t particularly want to get married or have children, but for someone to have written you off, well for someone as stubborn as I am, it makes me go ‘ermm, hang on, is that really what the world thinks is in store for me?’

When you’ve such poor judgement of what you deserve, of what you could reasonably have, its only logical to turn to your nearest and dearest for help and guidance. And the verdict I get always is that I’m too picky and aim far too high.  But Becky’s right, there is a shoe for every foot and why on earth should I accept that because I’m fat that I must have a relationship that would ultimately make me miserably bored? This isn’t 1950-whatever where you were expected to find the nearest bloke and get hitched, folks!

I don’t really have any answers to all this….I really do wish I could figure it all out….like I said, I’m so afraid that I’ll end up alone, and its that fear that makes me listen to that voice in my head that goes ‘But Sara. they’re right, you ARE aiming out of your league. Now be quiet and have that guy over there’.

Answers on a postcard, also known as a comment, to what the solution to such a quandry is!

14 thoughts on “A response – my views on plus size dating…

  1. You are gorgeous, I was the fat girl when I started dating my husband, and he had interest from other much skinnier/ prettier girls, but he chose me, you werent batting out of your league, he was just not the one, and your sister is rude for saying stuff like that to you. xx there are some amazing dating sites out there, if i am ever single again (hope not to be) i will join one for plus women, then I know i am at least in the right area, although I would still consider the usual sites to for diversity 🙂 xx

    • I do have a tendancy to get carried away, so sometimes those closest to me feel the need to tell me how it is, or at least how it seems! I’m currently on a ton of dating sites, but being the hopeless romantic I am, I find them slightly clinical! But I shall continue to try!

  2. I want to slap your sister. I know she loves you but sorry, I do.

    I got told that no one would ever want me if I was fat, and that did a whole world of bad for making me not even consider myself worthy for love and male attention. With that kind of mind set it’s almost impossible to let someone find you attractive.

    When I got to University I lost a lot of weight, then slowly gained it. All while in a long term relationship. Then I lost a lot of weight again, left the guy and had a lot of fun.. which continued even as my weight increased again. What changed is how I view myself. I know that while I may not have appealed to every taste (I’m a bit past all that now as married!), I certainly appealed to a fair few!

    Don’t let the b^&tards drag you down. Don’t let other people push their insecurities onto you. *hug*

    • I think that’s the thing….its about how you view yourself, and up until late last year, I had a very certain view of myself and how I’d be perceived by the opposite sex….its taking a while, but I’m slowly starting to become more confident about myself…I’m actively looking, but I’ve also a sneaking suspicion that the person I end up with might take me by surprise…just a strange gut feeling I’ve got!

  3. Sara, this sounds VERY familiar.. my story is definitely similar. BUT there is one thing I will never do.. I will not settle for ‘just anyone’, and neither should you. We might be fat, but that doesn’t mean that we have to end up with some disgusting smelly bloke, the village idiot, or ‘the guy who collects pictures of buses’… unless we happen to fancy those types. I can of course only speak for myself, but I’d rather be alone than be with someone who I don’t fancy. I just can’t do it.

    But I do understand what’s behind these words you wrote. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me 🙂 xx

    • See, other than a brief wobble, I’m not going to settle for anything less than someone I completely and utterly fancy. Those that I’ve ‘given it a go’ with have never ever worked, so I think I need to properly feel that feeling for me to put my all into it!

  4. Great response!! I love it. I kissed a LOT of frogs before I met Michael, and I consider myself lucky to have met him. Not because I’m fat and I was a size 30 when I met him, but because I know a lot of girls fat/thin that are stuck with the wrong guy, and don’t feel strong enough/good enough to walk away. So I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t settle for less than perfect regardless of your size you deserve Mr Right!! (oh god I feel like Oprah *VOM* but you know what I mean!!)

    • I think not settling is definitely the theme of the comments for this post, and rightly so! I think the thing is that most of the advice I’ve had outside the blogging world has been from people whom are very settled, and I think for some its easy to forget that fancying someone rotten and it feeling perfect is what works….I dont want to be 80, and have settled for the first man I could stand and would have me, and then regret that….I’ve too many regrets as it is!

  5. I hate that “punching above your weight” “out of your league” bollocks comment! Sorry to start off using a swear word but it makes me so mad! Who deems who is suitable for who? I always dated men below me because I thought I wasn’t good enough/pretty enough/slim enough and where did it get me? Well beaten up, dumped for a man, dumped for an ex-wife. SO I decided to like who I was – and the minute I did I met my husband.

    Don’t listen to your sister – what she said was horrible! I completed agree with Gina – he wasn’t out of your league! He just wasn’t for you! Good job too because who would date someone so shallow! You WILL meet someone and when you do you will know because it will be easy – none of this “oh should I ring him or wait for him to ring me” rubbish because he’ll want to see you as much as you want to see him. Until that happens be confident that he isn’t the right person.

    ALSO – not all men who date fat women are chubby chasers – my husband isn’t. Before me he dated Japanese women – who are all about a size 6! He fell in love with me! He was attracted to me because I was honest and open and drank like a bloke!! So don’t think you have to fall into a certain “group” to find your guy.

    I think the best piece of advice I can give you is what I have done – like yourself fully. Be completely happy with where you are in your life and take some risks – change jobs, change cities, change countries even (its what I did!) to get where you are happy and everything else (man included) will fall into place. I promise you!

    • I think that you’ve nailed it on the head….I’ve spent so long not being myself, and not taking a long hard look at what does or doesnt make me happy personally, and I think without being in the right place with everything else, having a person enter your life is harder to come by. So thats the game plan, get happy with my lot, and then let everything slot into place!

  6. I met my husband on dating site for men who prefer larger women. Everyone has different tastes and someone may not like you because of your hair colour, the shoes you wear or your accent. Yes some people have preferences to size but a lot of men don’t. If you don’t put yourself out there you can’t meet new and interesting people.


    • I think for me, even when I’ve been putting myself out there, in my head I wasnt really, I was keeping part of myself back. So, I’ve been working on whenever I do stuff, I’m completely and properly open to whatever may come. That and working on the general happiness thing!

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