Non Acceptance

Warning: this blog contains content that is regarding negative self-image, albeit a personal reflection. If you are the sort that doesn’t like to read anything that isn’t 100% positive, look away now.

Comparison. Thats pretty much the bane of all our lives right? We look at ourselves and then we look at others, and then the thoughts begin. Now, I know that it’s not generally accepted to not be accepting of yourself as a fat blogger, and for the most part I can deal in acceptance. I’ve accepted that I am the shape I am, and only want to lose weight so I’m healthier rather than it be about getting to a certain size to be socially accepted. I’ve fully embraced fashion, regardless of the fact I’m bigger than what is considered to be the norm.

But everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, I see myself reflected in other people’s eyes, and I don’t like what I see. When I’m alone, and can just focus on what I think of myself, I actually quite like myself. But add other people into the mix, and I find it hard, to be truthful, to not find myself lacking in every way possible. Even this blog. I write stuff because it’s an expression of myself, and a bit like myself it’s probably a bit lacking in direction, but that’s probably because I’ve only just started it really, and also because I only have a point and shoot camera without a tripod, which seems to be the needed equipment if I’m ever to take more pictures of myself and amp up the fashion aspect that I usually want to blog. But yeah, basically I read other people’s blogs, comment on them like a demon, I tweet, I do all the things that everyone else does, but guess what I focus on? Yep, how many more followers all these superior blogs have got, how popular and well liked and respected they seem. How extraordinarily talented they seem. Worry that my fondest for an exclamation point drives people up the bend and thus come across as far too jolly. Basically I just downright worry that I’m doing it all wrong, that really I shouldnt be putting my words out into the big wide sea that is the internet and should be scribbling in a journal for myself only.

I spend time with friends, and when it’s not a one on one, I worry that I’m too fat to ever be properly accepted, that all I’ll ever be to most people is a comedic afterthought, the full stop rather than the narrative structure that’s indispensable. Fat Heffalump recently posted a blog about shame, and how every thing someone fat does or does not do is something that the rest of society makes them feel shameful for. I’ll post the link in a sec because she talks about it much more poetically than I do. But anywho, I feel like no matter whom I am, no matter what I feel like I can achieve, there are a million actual voices telling me I can’t, that I shouldnt, that I need to learn to expect less in life because I am who I am…not just a fat person, but a person that is so self-conscious to boot.

I get the same ambitious, the same drive as anyone else. I want to be successful like the next person, and maybe I wont get there in the way I would like because I’m not talented enough, rather than any other reason. I love and lust in the same way as everyone else, but I get so increasingly mad and frustrated because I get told no so often. That I shouldnt fancy that person, or this person because I’m fat, and that apparently  counts me out for anyone that I might find attractive. I have always had to watch the guys I like get with other girls, and then watch that go wrong and have to be the good sport that listens to them be depressed the pretty girl stomped on their heart, and have them bemoan ‘why cant I find a nice girl that I can get along with, and has a brain?’. Hullo! I’m here, you’ve just described me! And often, so often I hear ‘someone like you….except you know, someone I could fancy.’. The word fat is never far from someone’s lips when they speak to me, at least for the most part. Lose weight to be more fun. Lose weight to be more attractive. Lose weight to fit in. All the unspoken messages I have to know are there, every single day.

How on earth is anyone supposed to gain confidence when all around them is negativity? Its taken a long time, but I’m finally in a place where my weight isn’t an issue as far as I’m concerned. Apart from health reasons, namely that I need to be the lower end of plus size to avoid many family things such as type 2 diabetes. But when I wake up of a morning, and look at my wardrobe, I despair because I perceive I’ve nothing to wear, rather than the cry of five, ten years ago which was ‘I’m too fat’. But every time I step out of either the real or virtual door, there’s someone there with either very real criticism, or by just being themselves give me the opportunity to be hard on myself.

I sometimes want to laugh, because I know my personality wouldnt suddenly be magically better if I was thin….it would be worse because I’d be a geeky sensitive emotional girl who’s then grumpy because she no longer eats cake. I try to be as happy as I can be, but well, it just all feels like a compromise. Be happy bigger, but trade that in for being a very much acquired taste. Be thinner, but be unhappy because you’ll be smothering the person you are. Compromise, shame, guilt, criticism. All things that go around in my head daily as I try to stumble around this small island.

I really am trying to think positive thoughts at the moment, especially as they seem so vital right now, but those niggling voices that I hear just wont stop, and it scares me to death that they might stop me doing something or being the best version of me for the hundredth time.

Do any of you get blogger envy? Or people envy? Do you feel like you have to make compromises to be the person you want to be?

13 thoughts on “Non Acceptance

  1. Love youself, girl! Look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and then yell “I AM BEAUTIFUL!” – and mean it. When a person feels comfortable with herself, she glows beauty. No, radiates beauty.
    Everyone has their demons and insecurities, whether it seems like it or not. Don’t worry, you’re not alone!
    You have to love you for you. You hold the key to acceptance – and I’m not making this up! When you can express yourself freely, and know that you are being nobody but you – all of a sudden you just don’t care what others think. Like me – I like weird, lace and feather covered, vintage clothes. Do I get weird looks? Yeah, but I just don’t care, because this is what I live for, and I’m not going to change just so people think that I “fit in.” You know what? Fitting in means that you are just like other people – aka replacable. And I, for one, do not want to be replaced.
    I hope that you feel better now. Flush those negative thoughts down the drain, girl! I know that they are hard to avoid, but in the end, they get you nowhere. Beauty is in every single person, and I am sure that it is in you (and I am sure there is some nice guy just waiting to meet you).

    You are so brave to tell the world how you feel – I admire that.
    Blessings and Peace!

    • I do try to love myself, and I manage it 80 percent of the time, I just need to learn to not blog when I’m in that 20 percent sort of mindset! I know that all I can do is make myself happy, and I do truly feel like I’m on the road to that place where I’m accepting of myself 100 percent of the time….I’ve about cracked it on the body side of acceptance, I need to work harder on the personality bit! I entirely agree that being replaceable isnt a desireably quality, and I do try to value my uniqueness as much as I can….
      I do feel better, mainly for all the nice thoughts everyone has posted in response to this….I truly need to not blog when I’m having those occassional wobbles and negative thought moments….I think I can just be a bit too honest in exactly how I feel. Thank you for your lovely comments, and I’m kicking those negative thoughts right out of my head and down the street!

  2. What Betty said!!!

    You are right in trying not to listen to the voice that says you are not good enough. There is not way the authentic, beautiful and loving being that you are would want to feel bad.

    You are worthy.

    • thankyou….I think most of the time I’ve got it cracked that I dont listen to those negative thoughts, I was clearly having an off moment or moments last night! I’ll indeed tell that voice off should it pop up again!

  3. Hi, I started following you on Twitter after a #ff recommendation, and I actually read posts and comment when people link them – how about that?
    I’ve been you, I still am in many ways, but something seems to be shifting. Every realisation in life comes too late. Don’t let years pass before you realise you’ll always be you. Nobody else’s blog Is better than yours, nobody has (on balance) less ‘issues’ than you. I’m not shamelessly promoting my blog, I don’t promote it at all, am happy for it to have a small following. But I did do a post called “Don’t ever envy anyone” about a lesson I learned (too late). I’m not going to tell you crap like ‘you have to feel beautiful on the inside blah blah blah..’ I’ve heard that a million times and it still feels like empty nonsense. Just try to learn lessons early. Look at older people, what matters to them, and emulate that NOW.
    Lucy x

    • I actually agree that something seems to be shifting for me too, I think it just shifted back for a moment last night….and yes, I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe as far as this blog goes I need to do a bit more self promotion if I’m intent on getting it noticed.

      I actually look to alot of bloggers on t’internet, and I think that gives me quite a good example to follow….its pretty darn hard to be that negative about yourself when there are people just like you that dont hate themselves, and in fact love themselves. Generally speaking, I feel like I need to just be me, make no apologies for that, let those that have issue with it fall by the wayside and just get on with life.

  4. Ah luv. i have a bit of blog envy, but then i went back to these peoples first posts and realized that for a long time they had no comments … it takes time and hard work and the quality of your blog will find it a big audience in time.
    As for self acceptance… i can’t find the answers for you. this also takes time. but whatever you do in the future you must learn to love You and make sure your decisions and choices come from a place of self-love not loathing. xxx hope to see u at fat clothes swap!

    • You know, I think you saying the bit about first posts is the bit that made me chill out about the blog aspect of my rant yesterday….I’m a generally impatient person, and I think sometimes I have to be less hard on myself, realise that these blogs that I’m a fan of and seem to have a huge following probably had a lot of hard work, effort and time gone into them to be where they are a few years down the line. Good things to come to those that wait and all that!

      Like I’ve said, I do feel like I’m on the right path. But like any path, it takes time to get to the end of it, and also its not always a straight road. For the most part, I think I’m loving myself a whole lot more than I used to, but if something develops over years, its never going to be an overnight fix. I feel like what happens next, in the next month or so will have a big effect on how I feel about myself…

      You will indeed see me there….I’ve not yet sorted things out, such as getting there, what I’m bringing with me, and stuff, but I’m going to be there with bells on!

  5. Hello my lovely!!! I just wanted to stop by and say thanks for commenting on my blog…..I finally made it over to check out yours….and I want to blurt out a million things…I admire your honesty and openess…I hope I can somehow follow with google friend connect.

    Everyone feels like shit….even those petite ladies who seem like they have it all….NO ONE ever has it all…. I hope that you have enough people around you that know just how amazing you are…because the rest of the idiots dont matter….THEY REALLY DONT….. Where abouts in the UK are you???? Im hoping to come over and teach for a while next year so if that does eventuate….. I would love to hang out if we are around the same parts!!! The best thing about blogging is that I have made some wonderful supportive friends and I was lucky enough to meet her in NY a few months ago and it was the best thing ever… I too look at other amazing blogs and before I kept posting regularly I felt like “whats the point” but I have found that is has become and wonderful diary where I post on general life things….and I just realised its there for me…for my voice…and if anyone else enjoys it, then that is a bonus….I hope you are well…. MUCH LOVE

    Falala Mele xo

    • Hullo you lovely too! Thank you for toddling over to my blog and responding in like….not so sure whether gfc works with wordpress….one of the many reasons why I regret not starting this thing over on blogger! It means alot that you admire the open honesty of my style….I like to think that’s my own specialness that makes it me!

      I totally get that every girl, or at least 99.9 percent of them have hang ups….I’ve literally just this morning been talking to a thin friend whom has made a vow to be a little easier on herself. I’ve got enough people that do tell me to be nicer to myself all the time rather than most of it, but I’ve also a sneaking suspicion that I’ve also got some friends that really probably should be by the wayside before too long! You’re very right, idiots dont matter and I certainly should care about them a whole lot less.

      I live in Nottingham, which is never near anyone ;p But depending on what part of the country you end up in, I’d very much be up for traveling a bit to meet up….thats like my resolution atm, to meet as many fellow bloggers as I can, simply because it seems like a very good way to have even more fabulous people in my life.

      You’re right – I need to see my blog more as my own diary that I post whatever I want whenever I feel like it on it, and if other people like and resonnate with that, then cool, but also cool if its just me putting my voice out there and using it to work through stuff, or gush over things, or to play an adult version of dress-up/imagine that I’m actually a stylist ;p

      I hope you are well too, and so much love for coming over to comment, its very appreciated!

  6. I don’t have a blog but I read them and I would like to offer you some words my father told me. ‘Never measure your life with someone elses yard stick, you will always come up short.’ I know just what you mean, it’s like people who go on Face book just to boast about holidays and new things or boast about their kids. I believe because you are honest with yourself about how you feel that you are by far the better person and it’s only us women who think that being thin is better. You never over hear a man in a pub say ‘Ooooh look at her,she’s so thin !!’ Men always say ‘Great rack’ or ‘gorgeous bum’. Be yourself always, do what you can to feel healthy and step to the beat of your own drum. We become lost in other peoples opinions sometimes and forget how wonderful we really are and anyone who is nasty to you is just trying to deflect away from their own faults.xx

    • Again, such wise words….I shouldnt really look at others, because for the most part I’m only seeing an edited version of those that I reflect myself back as not good enough…..I’m talking about non bloggers there, with comparing myself to other bloggers, thats just me being a bit competitive! I actually always secretly thought that – that by being honest with myself, and being upfront about my faults that was a good quality – just one I have to keep in check so it doesnt turn into negativity. You’re right too that I need to forget thinking I know what people think, and just get on with living…that by being myself and being the best version of me, thats what will attract both friends and menfriends in the end. You’re totally right that I need to not listen to other peoples voices, and concentrate on the positive one in my own head!

  7. I understand where you are coming from. I am a positive person, and I truly do LOVE myself … but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get envious or jealous sometimes. And here is the thing my darling – that is very much a human emotion and reaction. It isn’t about you being fat. Or at least I don’t think it is. It took me a long time to realize that. But jealousy is an emotion anyone can feel; and we pin-point it to us being fat and ‘not good enough’ but that is only because it is what we have constantly been told over the years. Your weight is NOT who you are. It is apart of you, and its okay to not always love it. Its okay to feel great one second and not the next.

    And I have had people not like me before .. and I thought it was because I was fat. And then after a while I kinda thought to myself “You know what? That is okay. That is okay if you are not attracted to my body because there are things that I am not attracted to.” I don’t want to be judged as a stereotype just because of my weight, so I am not going to judge someone for what they are attracted to.

    I get what you mean about people only accepting positive bloggers. I believe in self love and positive thoughts breed positive outcomes … but that doesn’t mean that I have never felt the other side. Quite often when I am feeling like that, I usually don’t blog that day … or I choose not to. Its hard to show that vulnerable side of yourself, and I thank you for doing it.

    I can tell you not to compare your blog to others and not to compare yourself to others, but I know you will! =) Its human nature to do so … and its my nature to look at the positive side of things. Look at all the amazing comments you have gotten on this post alone! You are a really amazing woman, and part of what makes you amazing is that you are not perfect.

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