Warning: this blog contains content that is regarding negative self-image, albeit a personal reflection. If you are the sort that doesn’t like to read anything that isn’t 100% positive, look away now.
Comparison. Thats pretty much the bane of all our lives right? We look at ourselves and then we look at others, and then the thoughts begin. Now, I know that it’s not generally accepted to not be accepting of yourself as a fat blogger, and for the most part I can deal in acceptance. I’ve accepted that I am the shape I am, and only want to lose weight so I’m healthier rather than it be about getting to a certain size to be socially accepted. I’ve fully embraced fashion, regardless of the fact I’m bigger than what is considered to be the norm.
But everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, I see myself reflected in other people’s eyes, and I don’t like what I see. When I’m alone, and can just focus on what I think of myself, I actually quite like myself. But add other people into the mix, and I find it hard, to be truthful, to not find myself lacking in every way possible. Even this blog. I write stuff because it’s an expression of myself, and a bit like myself it’s probably a bit lacking in direction, but that’s probably because I’ve only just started it really, and also because I only have a point and shoot camera without a tripod, which seems to be the needed equipment if I’m ever to take more pictures of myself and amp up the fashion aspect that I usually want to blog. But yeah, basically I read other people’s blogs, comment on them like a demon, I tweet, I do all the things that everyone else does, but guess what I focus on? Yep, how many more followers all these superior blogs have got, how popular and well liked and respected they seem. How extraordinarily talented they seem. Worry that my fondest for an exclamation point drives people up the bend and thus come across as far too jolly. Basically I just downright worry that I’m doing it all wrong, that really I shouldnt be putting my words out into the big wide sea that is the internet and should be scribbling in a journal for myself only.
I spend time with friends, and when it’s not a one on one, I worry that I’m too fat to ever be properly accepted, that all I’ll ever be to most people is a comedic afterthought, the full stop rather than the narrative structure that’s indispensable. Fat Heffalump recently posted a blog about shame, and how every thing someone fat does or does not do is something that the rest of society makes them feel shameful for. I’ll post the link in a sec because she talks about it much more poetically than I do. But anywho, I feel like no matter whom I am, no matter what I feel like I can achieve, there are a million actual voices telling me I can’t, that I shouldnt, that I need to learn to expect less in life because I am who I am…not just a fat person, but a person that is so self-conscious to boot.
I get the same ambitious, the same drive as anyone else. I want to be successful like the next person, and maybe I wont get there in the way I would like because I’m not talented enough, rather than any other reason. I love and lust in the same way as everyone else, but I get so increasingly mad and frustrated because I get told no so often. That I shouldnt fancy that person, or this person because I’m fat, and that apparently counts me out for anyone that I might find attractive. I have always had to watch the guys I like get with other girls, and then watch that go wrong and have to be the good sport that listens to them be depressed the pretty girl stomped on their heart, and have them bemoan ‘why cant I find a nice girl that I can get along with, and has a brain?’. Hullo! I’m here, you’ve just described me! And often, so often I hear ‘someone like you….except you know, someone I could fancy.’. The word fat is never far from someone’s lips when they speak to me, at least for the most part. Lose weight to be more fun. Lose weight to be more attractive. Lose weight to fit in. All the unspoken messages I have to know are there, every single day.
How on earth is anyone supposed to gain confidence when all around them is negativity? Its taken a long time, but I’m finally in a place where my weight isn’t an issue as far as I’m concerned. Apart from health reasons, namely that I need to be the lower end of plus size to avoid many family things such as type 2 diabetes. But when I wake up of a morning, and look at my wardrobe, I despair because I perceive I’ve nothing to wear, rather than the cry of five, ten years ago which was ‘I’m too fat’. But every time I step out of either the real or virtual door, there’s someone there with either very real criticism, or by just being themselves give me the opportunity to be hard on myself.
I sometimes want to laugh, because I know my personality wouldnt suddenly be magically better if I was thin….it would be worse because I’d be a geeky sensitive emotional girl who’s then grumpy because she no longer eats cake. I try to be as happy as I can be, but well, it just all feels like a compromise. Be happy bigger, but trade that in for being a very much acquired taste. Be thinner, but be unhappy because you’ll be smothering the person you are. Compromise, shame, guilt, criticism. All things that go around in my head daily as I try to stumble around this small island.
I really am trying to think positive thoughts at the moment, especially as they seem so vital right now, but those niggling voices that I hear just wont stop, and it scares me to death that they might stop me doing something or being the best version of me for the hundredth time.
Do any of you get blogger envy? Or people envy? Do you feel like you have to make compromises to be the person you want to be?