It’s not often I read a blog post and want to write something in response to it. Generally speaking, the most comment I’ll feel the desire to make is well, in someone’s comments. But for perhaps the first time I read a blog that spoke so loudly to me, that I felt the need to comment here, in my own space.
The lovely and marvellous Eclectica of Fat Fit Fine has posted a blog regarding the issue of Fat Admirers, following on from a blog she herself had read. In it she talks about Fat Admirers and her experience of them. I read it, and it was like looking into a mirror, because I could relate so easily to what she was saying.
Now, it wont have escaped anyone whom reads my blog that one of the many issues I seem to have is a state of permanent singleness. This isn’t through choice, in that I’m not some hermit who doesn’t want to date, but by the same token, I do not want to just go for the first person that will have me. I’m a girl of a million gazillion crushes, which have tied me over in the past. Often when someone does offer to deign to want to be with me, they’re usually people I’ve neither anything in common with, nor find physically attractive. I don’t believe just because I’m fat I’ve got to have anything that is going, simply because there’s this expectation that I should be grateful.
I’ve come across three types of male attention in my life….one of them being the Fat Admirer. But besides that type of man, I’ve also often come across those that you’d classify as twats. The sort that try to pull a fat bird for a bet, or hurl extremely explicit comments towards you in public, or just generally are leery or cruel in a drunken fashion. No word of a lie, one of my first experiences of being chatted up aged 16 in a nightclub having gotten in underage many many moons ago, was a man in probably his early twenties trying to chat me up, and then his friend could be heard loudly asking him to pay up when I did fall for the chat up lines. Like ‘get a snog off the fat girl’ was a sport.
For me, I want someone to fancy me for me. Yes, I totally accept that being attracted to someone is something that is important…but that attraction doesn’t have to be physical, and those that start from a place of ‘oh, he/she’s really fit’ but go nowhere else never, ever last. The most beautiful feature of any person is their brain,their personality.To be approached by someone who openly declares ‘oh, I like fat women’, well that puts me off. But I’d be put off if someone came up and said ‘oh, I like blondes’ or ‘oh, I like women with largish feet’ (other characteristics I have). We all have types, and I’ve mentioned mine on here before – either über intelligent and skinny bespectacled geek boys or rugged and overly masculine true male types…and in both cases preferably with beards or twelve o’clock shadow and an accent from somewhere vaguely North of my own home town. But I dont go around purposely looking for men like that, nor do I if I find someone who I find physically appealing do I go up to them and declare that….I think every human being wants to be picked on their own merits as an individual, and if someone chatted them up using the line ‘I like you because of…*insert physical attribute*’ then its normal to think ‘tosspot’ and move along.
I’ve had the usual Fat Admirer experience…a friend of a friend whom was in a large group of people I was out with, ooh probably about five, six years ago, decided they wanted to dance with me. Now, I like dancing and ignore the rule that fat girls shouldnt. Also, I’m not that choosy who I dance with….I cannot harmlessly flirt with words, but for some reason I can when I dance, and have had a drink, and the combination of both means I end up a dance slut whom dances with all her male friends….but in a non sexual way because no matter how much booze, I’m still a prude. Anyway, the friend of a friend was just another male, and I wasnt about to not dance with him, because that would be rude. (I’ll add that there was a whole crowd of us dancing togetherish). However, he seemed to be enjoying himself, and I was doing my pose, hair flicking thing I do when I drunkenly dance, and then he leaned in to say ‘I really like big women….you’re a big girl….’ and then gave me that look of ‘oh, come on, take what you can get’. Needless to say, I wasnt impressed…one, because he only was digging me because of my size, and two, because he was so far off my radar it wasnt true…..I mean, you know when you can’t even say you’d say you see what others see in them? When someone has that winning combination of not particularly good-looking and has no personality to boot? He was very a-typical of the place I lived back then, no ambition, no personality, no spark. At the time, I mentioned this to the friend that the Fat Admirer was the friend of, whom was male too, and his response was that yes, this guy had only ever dated fat girls and his last girlfriend was quote unquote ‘bigger than you are’ which was easier back then because I was slightly smaller. My friend again had this look on his face as if to say ‘there you go, he’s one of the allies of your kind….go forth and procreate.’ Which again did not endear me to the F.A. I wanted to scream….back in this small town, there’s quite a few larger ladies….I’ll not say the word chav, but I’ll think it. And these fat women are the living breathing stereotype of one contingent of bigger girls – easy and will take what they can get, loud and leery, the comedic full stop to the thin friend sentence, all front and no substance. Being a bigger girl with a big brain as well as a big body, I was the exception to the rule, but got treated as a cliche….thats what used to frustrate me, that people never, ever saw the person inside, the person I am, just that I was fat and should roll over and let any man who felt like it have a go.
But then, there’s been the odd occasion where physicality has mattered very much so. In fact, its been the thing that has stopped me being with people I’ve liked. Not because I’ve felt self-conscious and therefore put people at arm’s length, although that does happen, no, because bottom line, I’m not pretty enough. Not my words, but the code that people say when talking about why x, y or z guy is finding my flirting or attraction to them unappealing. I’ve never said this, but I wish I had, I wish I’d looked all these men and people passing on the message in the eye and very loudly and clearly said ‘Bullshit’. I’ve a pretty face, so I’m not unpretty. I’ve a good personality amongst the flaws, and I’ve intelligent brain so I’m not stupid and dull. There’s one thing that I’ve got that is the thing that makes people run screaming, and that’s being fat. Fat is the reason, nine times out of ten a guy wont like me, and I really, really wish that people could see past that, could see that actually, I’m rather a catch in terms of the person I am. For a very, very long time, I used to be very jealous of my sister and how men swarmed around her like bees to a honeypot….for a while I saw it as her being more intelligent, more personable, more everything than me, and whilst she is truly the best person ever, it’s not a case that she’s ten fathoms ahead of me and that would be said explanation for her being so darn attractive to the men folk. I’ve come to realise that she, even at her heaviest, is the sort of body shape that a man would class as ‘meat on her bones’ ‘curvy’ etc, and thus able to see past or even rather like. It hasn’t escaped my notice that the size I’d like to get down to is probably about the same size as her…as if in my brain being that size would open all the man shaped doors in life.
One particular example always springs to mind when I think of the relationship between weight and attraction. One person that seemed to not only like but perhaps slightly fancy the person I was, namely my brain and personality. But made it very, very clear that the outer casing was a sticking point….more often than not, it would seem like said male was trying to make an effort to fancy the whole package, but gave up as it was too stomach churning to take. That really did knock my confidence when it comes to men….even now, I don’t really expect to find someone who will like all of me, that will be able to find enough attraction and love for the mountain of attributes I possess. It truly saddens my heart, that there’s a chance, unless I change drastically, that I could be alone forever. I want someone that I can care about, like, love so fiercely, so entirely I’d implode, but all the people who I look at and think ‘yes, I could make room for you in a life that I’m happy without someone in right now’ seem to look at me as if I’d suddenly ended up with Voldemort stuck to the back of my head.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, to make a point. Us fat ladies seem, in some cases, to have little choice than to accept the attentions of a Fat Admirer, and that’s why they are able to still exist. They’re able to still act a certain way, and go up to girls and say ‘I find your physical form appealing without taking any time to ever bother to get to know you as a person’ because of all the men that reject girls like me, and therefore, we’re supposed to be grateful. Well, I’m not, and actually I find it rather insulting to just be lusted after over the thing I dislike about myself the most. I’d much, much rather it was last on the list, not the first.
In more recent times, I’ve come across other Fat Admirers, because lets face it, once you’ve encountered one, it’s very easy to spot another. Yet again, a friend of a friend, whom came onto me, and I knew for certain that they were attracted to larger ladies because their girlfriend of the time was larger also. So, not only a fat admirer, but a cheater too. Nice. This quality in him was and is something that people find funny, but I’m not laughing. It actually makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable as I’d think anyone would if someone had essentially treated them like a piece of meat…albeit a whole cow rather than a steak in my case. Thin girls are allowed to take against men that leer at them purely for physicality, yet us fat women are supposed to just take it because we’re fat. Like we’re the punchline to every joke, and the worst possible answer to ‘what woman would you date’. Never mind we might actually have more brains and personality than those thin girls because we’ve had to rely on those things rather than our looks. Never mind that we’re just as likely to be ambitious and intelligent as the next woman.
It boggles my mind that women can manage to see past things that if they were to describe the perfect version of physical perfection to them should they meet someone who doesn’t fulfill any of their wish list, but somehow fits like the missing jigsaw puzzle piece. Now, I’m not saying all men can’t, because there is always an exception to every rule, but for the most part in my experience, the majority really can’t.
Fat women have to undo so many myths about themselves….that they’re not worthy of love or friendship, that they’re useless, that they’re stupid, dull, a lesser species than the sort of girl who would be classified as girl next door or even model. So many other things that were once considered as barriers to love have been smashed down…gender, race, disability. But in heterosexual relationships, the girl is expected to live up to an ideal, and the man can take any form he pleases. Look at those that are famous….how many fat women can you name that have lost weight recently, and how many fat men can you name that have never and yet seem to still be considered highly attractive?
I’d just like the playing field to be equal….either its time men came under such scrutiny, and need to feel the same pressures to be the so-called perfect size, or menfolk across the land need to embrace the more voluptuous woman if they happen to find the person she is appealing. That way, Fat Admirers would simply become people among many that happen to fancy girls that would struggle to get their left toe into a pair of Topshop jeans.
(for the original Eclectia artice –