So, first things first, those that are astute and observant may have noticed that I took down the last post that I blogged. This is because I essentially conducted a very harsh character assination of someone who actually I love and care for all because I was in a dark and negative place, entirely glossing over all the things and ways they show me that they care, and what they do for me that they don’t have to. In my defense, I do tend to forget that people read this…I know I can see the stats, but as I’ve only a few official followers, I tend to think that’s it, and ignore the other views of my blog. Also, don’t we all go to that dark and dismal place sometimes, and all those normally forgotten feelings, things we’ve dealt with and have moved along from, seem to resurface? I’m not perfect, far from it, and it’s still a hard slog to get my brain to not go into “This is why I hate myself, I’m blaming everyone especially myself” mode when that black cloud decides to sit above my head.
So, am trying to get motivated today, and failing miserably….managed to figure out how to load up pics from my mum’s camera ((my own being in the hands of my sister for the time being))…actually, its pretty easy to do, and I wouldn’t have been able to if I didn’t have my snazzy, less than a year old, desktop which has a slot for memory sticks like the slimline sort you get with cameras and would usually stick in one of those photo thingys at Boots or some other reputable retailer that prints pictures. Therefore, when I can be bothered to actually make an effort, I’ll be posting pictures away, and thus finally fulfilling the fashion aspect of my blog like I always intended.
But I don’t know about any of you lot in the fatosphere, those that still feel the way I do, but I struggle when it comes to jobs, or just plain getting anything I want in particular, such as jobs or men, or men and jobs. I’ve an acceptance of how I look and wanting to be as damn near adorable, hot, pretty as possible but at the same time perhaps underlying myself when I compare myself with others. I can’t help it, I just look at everyone else, and think “if only…”, at least on a bad day. On good ones, I think I’m so fantastic and damn fantabulous, that everyone that thinks differently is an idiot, that I’ve got it all going on…perhaps not in a conventional sense, but I possess a sense of individuality, wit, intelligence and sensitivity that more ‘normal’ girls would search for within themselves but never find. I truly and utterly believe that I’m good at things, and am the person I am *because* I am fat…I think being part of a minority, any minority, well it shapes you into the person that you are. Every experience good or bad, makes you be the person that you evolve into.
I truly think believing in myself, for any fat person to believe in themselves, is a struggle that some eventually overcome and I hope to be one of them one day. When how you physically are is something that people use as a method of negativity, it’s very hard to see yourself positively. For a very, very, very long time I had this equation in my head….fat is bad = ergo me=bad. Also I had fat=lazy and stupid therefore me=lazy and stupid….and on and on with various comparisons for unimportant, annoying, thick, abnormal et al. Everywhere you look, even now, there’s confirmation of these negative voices and affirmations….peers, your past, magazines, tv, films, self-help tomes, government, weight loss sites…anything with the ability to give a opnion on the fat society deems it as something of this nightmare, this blight on society, that it’s no wonder people grow up or develop these downhearted attitudes to themselves. Its only recently that I’ve managed to cultivate a stronger second voice to the negative one that lives inside my head ((I’m talking figuratively not literally, I’ve not gone so mental that I’m hearing voices.))….a voice that is able to say this – *you* are perfect as you are, you are not the problem, you have faults, but not the ones that you’ve been giving yourself. Its, and hang on for this revelation Sara, weight has no baring on your personality nor the way your life unfolds. Yes, it affects your health and it might affect the way other people look at you, but it shouldnt ever affect the way you look at yourself as a person. Now go have a nice cup of tea, look at some damn fabulous fat fashion, have a read of the other goings on in the fatosphere, and if you feel so inclined, just work on those things in your personality that you don’t like, on the things in your life you’d like to change, if weight happens to be one of them, so be it, but that is to be something on the list, rather than top of it as some magical cure. Got the message, Miss Hook? Good, now stop talking to yourself in the third person, makes you seem a tad mental.
I’ve given myself until my 30 birthday in a year and a few weeks time to improve my life. My birthday is in August, so hence the few weeks….although other than planning lots of marvellous catch-ups with all my favourite people, I’m generally trying not to think about the fact I’ll be 29, and that means next year is my 30. I’m aware that it’s really not that old, and there’s bound to be older people than me reading this, it’s just that for me personally, I can’t help thinking what have I done with my life since I left school…I’ve done a fair bit and as a person I’ve moved on immeasurably, but I’ve still not got a job I love to pieces or a house of my own or a man or two that I like a whole bunch floating around. Not that any of those things equate happiness, it’s just I firmly believe to fully enjoy life, you need to be able to have all the experiences and social outings alongside all the things we have to do in order to have that magical perfected work/life balance going on. I’m more work/no life at present, and all work and not much proper play makes Sara an unhappy bunny. I’m an a-typical Leo, I function the best when I’ve people around me to enjoy the company of. Relevance of all this is that I’ve spotted multiple vacancies for my dream job at both of the universities we have here. I’ve wanted to work for a university or academic institution for a while now….it wont surprise anyone that knows me and how much education I’ve participated in over the years that I’m fond of a place where the learnings and the books are at. I’m a bit like Ross from Friends and his unsurprising love of proposals in that way. Anywho, in particular I’m obsessed with libraries….I’m a bit of a literature geek, but more over I’m a book geek….there’s just something about a book, any book, that lights my particular fire. I even get giddy over brand new textbooks as well as brand new books in general. I’ve even rules about how books should be properly handled – no turning of page corners (use a bookmark if you’re not similarly skilled in remembering which page you were last on), no cracking of the spine, no bending the book back on itself so you can read it easier with one hand, no removing and discarding with a dust cover if it’s a hardback, no writing in the margins or on the page – use a post-it if you need to make notes for studying. Yes, I’m overly sentimental about respect for books. I think this, plus all my lengthy customer service skills make me perfect for the role of Librarian, not to mention my love of cardigans, pearls and other overly girly outfits and accessories as well as a love of tea which in my head I imagine the librarian’s drink of choice. Its a funny thing, when at last you realise the thing you want to be and to do, and its taken a very long and winding journey of 28, nearly 29 years for me to get there. I don’t know why, it’s just like I’ve had this lightbulb, lighting moment where to me it’s as if I was an idiot to never see that was what I was meant to do all along. The only hurdle now is to get myself and my cv up to scratch in order to fill out the necessary online application forms and sell myself like there’s no tomorrow. The biggest hurdle is that its prime job hunting time for all of those newly graduated, and thus there’s likely to be some stiff competition. Not to mention whilst I’ve all the things they’re looking for, there’s a part of me that wonders if there’s something I don’t have that if I did have it, it would be in the bag. But either way, I’m throwing everything I’ve got at it, and hoping to at least get an interview….if anyone reading this is particularly good at the old cv tweaking and is willing to take a quick look-see at mine, I’d worship the ground you walk on or alternatively just be very grateful ;p
Talking of intentions, it is mine now I’ve got access to a camera that I can actually then upload stuff from ((I’ve a camera on my Blackberry but the usb cable for it seems to have to gone to the black-hole of lost stuff somewhere and thus doesn’t count in the camera stakes)), that I’m going to be participating in the great “Wear My Wardrobe” challenge. I have to give credit to http://amonkeyfatshionista.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/the-great-wear-my-wardrobe-challenge, which is thanks to its fantastic blogger that I’ve decided to follow suit and wear what I’ve got, rather than buy anything more. Now technically I do this already, because I’m broke and thus have no choice to wear that I already own, but by doing it as a challenge, I’m going to try to up the fabulous and rather than just chucking on stuff I own, I’m going to try to make it more on-trend ((slightly hard when you’ve not purchased anything for two seasons, but hey, a girl can try!)). Although I do intend to treat myself to a birthday blow-out of some cheap accessories, in particular scarves – I do own some but I’ve seen some great hair/accessorizing looks using a trust old scarf so I may indeed be nipping to Primani or similar for some, maybe I’ll be even luck to bag myself a bargain in the Accessorize sale. And of course I’m secretly hoping that the birthday fairy bestows clothes upon me….I’ve still got a mid length pleated skirt, a pair of brogues or loafers, a long maxi skirt in preferably black and a cape on the permanent wish list, mainly because am convinced once I’m the owner of such items, I’d be set for life as they’re my most lust after things on other peoples’ blogs.
Finally, now I’ve got my hands on a camera, I can finally do my giveaway! I’ve had a few things I’ve never, ever used cluttering up my garage, so I’m going to post pictures, which the first people to contact me will receive; either I’m happy to give them away but if you’ve something to offer up as a swap, that may seal the deal! You must sign up as a subscriber to this blog, and then either email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow me on twitter (@arriashbourne – I’m a gamer, and that’s my game name, for which twitter was originally meant, but now its all just blog and real life stuff…thats just how I roll!). I look forward to giving you all happiness with my impulse purchases which up to now have been unloved!
wide leg Evans jeans, size 26, never worn except for trying on in the hopes that they would magically fit, hence the fact they look slightly creased. I will iron them before sending. Belt seen is included.
Ted Baker bag, outside and inside shown here, original cost £50 as can be seen on tag which is still on. Even though is probably about four or five, maybe more, seasons old, I happen to think it would work well with this season’s colour blocking trends. The lining is a sort of pale glittery beige…really rather gorgeous, and its only because I need the equivalent of a rucksack when I venture out that I’m not keeping this for myself!
Evans Black (and it is proper black, this picture makes it look more gunmetal-ly which it is not. Just bad lighting on my behalf) size 26 pvc quilted jacket. I actually own a much worn and falling apart size 28 version of this….bought it in my usual size off Evans website, it didn’t fit, and has sat in various means of storage ever since.
Evans black denim mini skirt. Yet another “bought it one size of website, didn’t fit so bought a bigger one and forgot to ever send it back, hence languishing in storage forever and a day” purchase. Particularly like the buttons on this. Size 26, but would probably fit a 24 as I own a blue denim mini skirt from there in a 30 and am a size 28, it just hangs off my hips a little if worn on its own, but as they’re close-fitting, if you’re planning to wear leggings underneath, would work for a smaller size as well as its actual one.
So, my lovelies, there’s all the things I’m giving/swapping away. Final thing before I write off, I’ve a rather fantastic prize to give away when I reach 50 subscribers. As I’ve got about two or three atm, its a bit of a climb to get there, so if you read but don’t subscribe, get yourself signed up, and if you subscribe, then pass on the word, recommend me to friends and fellow bloggers if you consider me worthy. I’ll now post what is known as a teaser shot to what the prize is. It’s another of my purchases, but it does not fit me, well it fits only just, so anyone smaller than me, even by a little, would be fine with it. Here’s the glimpse to wet your appetites!
Muah, love you all! xxx