Once Upon A Time, A Long Time Ago, after many mishaps and lost opportunities, I vowed to be pro-active when it comes to romance…I’m not talking about the many crushes I’m known to have, I mean a genuine opportunity to well, not be single. But here I am, doing exactly what I’ve always done and revel in the fantasy of possibilities rather than take a risk and maybe have the enjoyment of actualities.
I feel like fate, life, whatever you may call it, is offering me a test….am I really a different person, and when I hear a faint rumbling along the grapevine, am I now confident and brave enough to risk looking a fool by making enquiries to a bit more of a direct source, or am I still the same person I was ten years ago, and happier to live in my head and not take a chance than risk feeling an idiot or putting either my heart or head on the line.
I mean, I know logically that there is a 90 percent chance that what I heard wasnt true, especially as it came from a friend whom has been known to perhaps say things that she believes I want to hear, and not to mention it was a little bit like chinese whispers. The logical part of me knows that I need to just do, not over think, but the more days that pass the less I believe that there was any truth to it, the more reasons I find to not investigate, the less brave I become.
Its weird, when last at work I started singing to a song, not even realising what it was, at least until halfway through when I realised that it was No Regrets by Robbie Williams. Yes, I am going to be so cheesy to say that I do think there are signs in life if you’re looking properly. For instance, today the sun shone directly on a picture of my mum and my nieces, as if trying to say something about it, I don’t know what. Getting off topic a bit. Ok, anyway, it occurred to me at the time, that it was particularly relevant, especially as I wasnt even consciously listening to it. Not to mention I don’t sing *that* much at work, I sing far more outside of work than ever at work.
So other than perhaps not really signs that I’m interpreting as them, there’s also the wonderful advice of my dear friend, whom basically in her own unique way told me to not be a wimp, and actually do something for a change. To be pro-active. I’m thinking that she knows me far too well, that I’m very likely to not take that leap to just find out if it was even true.
Do I dare to do? I really had hoped that 2011 would be the year that things changed for me, mainly because I’ve set this deadline of 2013, aka the year I turn 30 to have various things in place, well as much as anyone can try to steer what happens to them afterall….a relationship, a career rather than a job, to be fit and healthy, to be comfortable and happy in life…I really think that through my own hard work and effort upon myself, I can easily achieve some of those things, but then some of them are still dependent of an element of fate.
So, will I keep repeating all the things I’ve ever done….being a passive wimp, being ridiculously unfit and unhealthy, feeling like I don’t have a talent or passion that I’m good at….or is the wind bringing in a change, is it possible that I can be better, be more?
Part of me thinks I need to seek wisdom in the words of others, to listen to those able to see the situation more clearly, whereas another part of me thinks that if I keep banging on about it to other people, it will jinx myself, byt which I mean I’ll make what I think more likely to be the truth (that there was a case of crossed wires along the line somewhere…). Not to mention that I think I generally tend to do peoples’ heads in with all my emotional ramblings….I mean, I think if I had a friend/relative/acquaintance whom was getting ridiculous crushes on people every two minutes, or making romantic molehills out of ordinary mountains, I’d tell them to shut the hell up and just bloody do something if they feel that strongly. Ooooh….seems even my subconscious is trying to tell me to pull myself together and stop procrastinating…
So, off to consider it all some more, and very likely spend another day teetering on the edge of to do or not to do…..